Waiter: Hello Sir and welcome to Kelsey's. May I take your coat?
Customer: Here, hang it someplace safe, it's cashmere.
Waiter: Here's our lunch menu. Do you want to hear our specials?
Customer: Not really, I know your specials better than you do.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Customer: Is your ice tea sweetened or unsweetened?
Waiter: We only have sweetened ice tea with lemon Sir.
Customer: I will have sparkling water then.
Waiter: I will give you a few minutes to look at the menu.
5 minutes later Waiter brings a bottle of Perrier and pour into a glass.
Waiter: Have you decided Sir?
Customer: By the way your glasses have spots on them. I will have calamari as an appetizer, and balsamic chicken.
Waiter: Very sorry about the glasses. Chicken comes with a side and a salad.
Customer: I will have Caesar salad and a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Don't overcook the chicken. I mean it! Or I will send it back.
Waiter, bringing calamari and Caesar salad
Waiter: Here you go Sir, how is everything?
Customer: I changed my mind, I want French fries instead of the baked potato.
Waiter: No problem Sir.
20 minutes later Waiter brings the entrée.
Waiter: Here you go Sir, how is everything?
Customer: calamari was chewy and salad was not so fresh.
Waiter: Very sorry about that Sir, would you like me to refill your glass?
Customer: About time! I thought you forgot about me.
20 minutes later Waiter comes back.
Waiter: Are you almost done with your chicken Sir?
Customer: Chicken was cold and dry. And too salty. French fries were soggy.
Waiter picks up the plates.
Waiter: I apologize Sir. Would you like to look at the dessert menu?
Customer: No. Just bring me a cup of coffee and a bran muffin.
Waiter comes back with coffee and muffin.
Waiter: Here is your bill Sir. Will it be cash or card?
Customer: Cash. Customer finishes his lunch, grabs his coat and leaves.
Waiter to himself: Cheapskate left me 5% tip. I hope he chokes on his bran muffin.
