1 When I was a student I lived with a farmer and his wife. The first day I was there, one of the chickens died and we had chicken soup for dinner. The second day a sheep died and we had lamb chops. The following day a duck died and we had roast duck. The next day the farmer died, so I decided to leave.
2 At a show a very strong man squeezed an orange hard and then shouted to the audience: "I will give €30 to the person who can get any more juice out of this orange." Three very big men tried but none of them could get any more juice out of the orange. Then a thin, old man picked it up. When he squeezed it, five drops of juice dripped from it. The three big men were amazed and asked the old man:
"How did you do that?"
"I worked as a tax inspector."
3 "You're wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger. "
"I know. I married the wrong man.
4 Do you know how my grandmother stopped my grandfather biting his fingernails? She smashed his false teeth.
5 "Mum, Aunt Sarah kissed me."
"Did you kiss her back? "
"Of course not, kissed her face."
6 "Did the film have a happy ending?"
"Well, everybody was happy when it ended."
7 My mother never liked any of my girlfriends. Last week I invited my latest girlfriend home. She looked like my mother, talked like my mother and even dressed like her.
"What did your mother think of her?"
"She liked her a lot."
"Well, that's the end of your problems!"
"Not quite. My father didn't like her."
8 "I think I was very ugly when I was a baby."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, when I was in my pram my mother didn't push it, she always pulled it behind her!"
10 Fill in the gaps (1-10) in the article about schools in the UK with words from the box.
private single-sex nursery primary secondary college comprehensive vocational mixed grammar
In Britain, very young children go to 1 nursery school. Then, when they are four or five years old, they go to 2 primary school. At the age of 11, they go on to 3 grammar school. A secondary school is a school for children aged 11-18, that you don't have to pay for and you don't have to pass an exam to get in to. A 5 comprehensive school is a selective school. This means you have to pass an exam to go there. Parents have to pay fees for their children to go to 6 private schools. Some schools are single-sex , so they are for boys or for girls only, but most schools are 8 mixedю When they are 16, pupils take their GCSE examinations. When they are 18, they do A Level examinations. At 16, they can leave school and go to work, or they can go to a college of further education. Here they can do traditional subjects as well as 10 vocational training such as learning to become a mechanic or a beautician.
